TRANSITIONS

Life is all about transitions and the ongoing path that leads us to who we become, while leaving behind who we were. No one escapes this ongoing transition and though we for the most part feel like the same person, we are different from the one we were a second ago and so it continues. I have made many changes not unlike all of us do on a moment to moment basis. Unlike most of the populace, I was born into a life that was destined for moments in time that were heavily grounded in major change. It is difficult for all of us to accept change and go through the inevitable growing pains of continual renewal in the process of our human existence, but we go through it whether we like it or not. Some believe it was a choice I made to make the major changes I have to my gender, but as time rolls on I realize that survival was an instinct that inevitable forced my hand. I am who I am and I am the end result of decisions that lead me to the identification of Transgender. Does this fit me? Well of course it does because this is who I am and I will always be the end result of the ongoing realization of this reality. Who really knows who or what they are and where exactly does a label fit on someone who is nothing in particular but everything in general. I have been described as Gender Queer by someone who heard my story and surmised that to not own a gender island is proof that gender fluidity may be the ship that I sail. I am not a woman and I am not a man, I chose femininity over masculinity and I will never regret this choice. But free of regrets is not what I am and I must admit this to myself and sail on until I find a shore that brings me the emotional and mental shelter I yearn for.

I have experienced so many amazing moments in my journey punctuated sometimes more than I would have liked with moments of sheer hopelessness and doubt. How can I doubt the decision I made that helped me survive. Even though it was a survival tactic, I would be living in denial if I did not own the sadness of what I sometimes feel I have lost. The person I was always deserves to be remembered and my inner child is indeed a boy not a girl.

I know there are those that deny the existence of this part of their history but I never felt the urge to bury the boy I once was. He was a valid and beautiful person and worthy of recognition just like any one else who has graced this planet. I am working through my issues with this loss and at times I feel almost haunted by the person I once was. When do we stop trying to prove that we are legitimately who we are as a defense mechanism against those that are looking for any reason to accuse us of instability, and just celebrate that we are a combination of both. I think it is healthier to accept the past for what it is and rejoice in the fact that yes I was once male. Every transgender person is different from the other, so this is my story and I only speak for myself. I just hope that maybe someone who might have similar feelings will relate and grant themselves the right to be comfortable with a past that is ok to admit to. I don't think I have ever come to terms with this memory and though I have never denied who I was, I allowed myself to feel embarrassment. Who I was when I was called Byron will forever be my history and to deny this is not only self destructive but it is not unlike burying someone close to you and not even bothering to mark the grave with a headstone. The reality is that the person I was has never died; he is with me still and lives on through me like a partner unto myself. I am starting to realize that I would do much better if I learnt to come to terms with this loss while placating an inner child feeling neglect and in the process turn it into a gain. This is my realization and I only advocate that you do what is best for you. I have seen so many transpeople in the past that denied who they were in favour of starting a fresh and wiping out the past.

As a transperson I am from the old school of thought and thankfully I can see that this ideal of wiping out the past is being replaced with a new breed who are loudly proclaiming who they were. There is nothing wrong with whatever you choose to do and what is right for you is best. If along your journey you choose to embrace all aspects of your history, more power to you and remember it is sometimes fear of others reactions that stop us from taking this step. It also is a choice born from the belief that this is who we have always been and that is also a very valid position to take. We are all different and it would be wrong to try and recommend any particular path for someone that is part of a collective that encompass such a vast array of different gender realities.

For me I realize I am going through a massive flux of change once again and the evolution of my being is open to questioning and going with the flow of the moment. There is nothing worse in my opinion than becoming stagnant and telling myself that this is all I am, and my penchant for analyzing is both a curse and a virtue. I sometimes wish I could just accept an unhappy position and just march forward without questioning the doubts, but I can't. I have an enquiring mind and it comes with an insatiable hunger for finding my intrinsic self. Do we just arrive at different junctures of our lives or ongoing moments and tell ourselves that regardless of my thoughts today, though they are different to the ones I had before, I will ignore them and save myself from fracture. I will continue my quest for my own personal truth and I will go forth and evolve with the process of change that led me to who I am today.

Maybe I will stay relatively on the same path or maybe I will break away and incorporate a new facet to my being that is not locked into what I know others expect of me. Sometimes I feel we fall into the danger of not growing for fear that we will lose the person everyone around us has invested in. So many have pondered what could have been at the end of a life and wished that fear had not robbed them of the life that would have indeed brought them closer to who they were meant to be.


Copyright © Robyn Whittaker. 2011.