PRECIOUS GEM

Joy is the gift you give with love,
With voice to soothe the soul.

The musical girl with style and grace,
Sings from the heart with golden glow.

You are a precious gem on earth,
The gods created a goddess.

Thanks for the hope you gave my soul,
Thanks for the sparkle imparted.

And if ever you’re feeling sad and blue,
Remember the hearts you've touched,

I will never forget that special night,
When all my woes seemed mended.

All thanks to a girl with a beautiful heart,
Whose voice mends hearts that are broken.

Copyright (c) Robyn Whittaker. 2011

DESTINY OVER DOUBT

Lately I have been feeling very alone and overwhelmed with a feeling of loss. I hope against hope that it is just to do with the death of my old self in readiness for the new, but something in me is not so sure. Recently I have lain awake in bed terrified to fall to sleep, imagining that I may not awake. I thought I was not scared of death, but I am and anyone who says they are not scared of it is indeed putting up a brave front. What a horrible ability it would be to be fully aware of when we will pass on. My greatest fear in regard to this is caught up with a fear of failure and not getting to where I feel I was meant to be and the achievements that are proof of my arrival at this point. I know I will die one day and I am grateful for not knowing the exact time and date of this inevitability. All I ask of the universe is that I am given a little bit more time to do what I know I am meant to do, promising to do it with haste. I realize that I have squandered allot of the time I have been given and have for many years blamed it upon my transgender journey as a way of explaining why I had no energy to fulfill the destiny open to me with the gifts I have been given. I love singing and it is my one true passion, but I am also scared of it and have failed to develop this skill to its full potential. I allowed myself to be lazy and a victim and say that it was ok to neglect it because the voice I have would not be accepted when it is attached to what appears to be female.

I am nearly 40 years old and I am over giving myself excuses and I am over allowing others the right to dictate my actions, even if it is my own perceptions of what I think they expect of me. I am going down in a blaze of glory and honesty and those that do not like it will have to get over it and move on. I do not have any time to waste on those who would never accept me anyway and only a fool would enter into any venture expecting total acceptance from everyone. There is always going to be someone who does not agree and what a boring world it would be if we did not question things and all agreed. I am going to come out on top and I am going to find my centre and when I do, the whole world is going to know who I am. So many have told me I am special, but it meant nothing until I believed it too.

I know my capabilities and I have dared to realize the extent of my worth, but insecurity can be a bug that eats through the best of a harvest. I will prevail and punch through the boxing ring of insecurity, surfacing to reclaim my destiny over doubt.

Copyright © Robyn Whittaker. 2011.

TRANSITIONS

Life is all about transitions and the ongoing path that leads us to who we become, while leaving behind who we were. No one escapes this ongoing transition and though we for the most part feel like the same person, we are different from the one we were a second ago and so it continues. I have made many changes not unlike all of us do on a moment to moment basis. Unlike most of the populace, I was born into a life that was destined for moments in time that were heavily grounded in major change. It is difficult for all of us to accept change and go through the inevitable growing pains of continual renewal in the process of our human existence, but we go through it whether we like it or not. Some believe it was a choice I made to make the major changes I have to my gender, but as time rolls on I realize that survival was an instinct that inevitable forced my hand. I am who I am and I am the end result of decisions that lead me to the identification of Transgender. Does this fit me? Well of course it does because this is who I am and I will always be the end result of the ongoing realization of this reality. Who really knows who or what they are and where exactly does a label fit on someone who is nothing in particular but everything in general. I have been described as Gender Queer by someone who heard my story and surmised that to not own a gender island is proof that gender fluidity may be the ship that I sail. I am not a woman and I am not a man, I chose femininity over masculinity and I will never regret this choice. But free of regrets is not what I am and I must admit this to myself and sail on until I find a shore that brings me the emotional and mental shelter I yearn for.

I have experienced so many amazing moments in my journey punctuated sometimes more than I would have liked with moments of sheer hopelessness and doubt. How can I doubt the decision I made that helped me survive. Even though it was a survival tactic, I would be living in denial if I did not own the sadness of what I sometimes feel I have lost. The person I was always deserves to be remembered and my inner child is indeed a boy not a girl.

I know there are those that deny the existence of this part of their history but I never felt the urge to bury the boy I once was. He was a valid and beautiful person and worthy of recognition just like any one else who has graced this planet. I am working through my issues with this loss and at times I feel almost haunted by the person I once was. When do we stop trying to prove that we are legitimately who we are as a defense mechanism against those that are looking for any reason to accuse us of instability, and just celebrate that we are a combination of both. I think it is healthier to accept the past for what it is and rejoice in the fact that yes I was once male. Every transgender person is different from the other, so this is my story and I only speak for myself. I just hope that maybe someone who might have similar feelings will relate and grant themselves the right to be comfortable with a past that is ok to admit to. I don't think I have ever come to terms with this memory and though I have never denied who I was, I allowed myself to feel embarrassment. Who I was when I was called Byron will forever be my history and to deny this is not only self destructive but it is not unlike burying someone close to you and not even bothering to mark the grave with a headstone. The reality is that the person I was has never died; he is with me still and lives on through me like a partner unto myself. I am starting to realize that I would do much better if I learnt to come to terms with this loss while placating an inner child feeling neglect and in the process turn it into a gain. This is my realization and I only advocate that you do what is best for you. I have seen so many transpeople in the past that denied who they were in favour of starting a fresh and wiping out the past.

As a transperson I am from the old school of thought and thankfully I can see that this ideal of wiping out the past is being replaced with a new breed who are loudly proclaiming who they were. There is nothing wrong with whatever you choose to do and what is right for you is best. If along your journey you choose to embrace all aspects of your history, more power to you and remember it is sometimes fear of others reactions that stop us from taking this step. It also is a choice born from the belief that this is who we have always been and that is also a very valid position to take. We are all different and it would be wrong to try and recommend any particular path for someone that is part of a collective that encompass such a vast array of different gender realities.

For me I realize I am going through a massive flux of change once again and the evolution of my being is open to questioning and going with the flow of the moment. There is nothing worse in my opinion than becoming stagnant and telling myself that this is all I am, and my penchant for analyzing is both a curse and a virtue. I sometimes wish I could just accept an unhappy position and just march forward without questioning the doubts, but I can't. I have an enquiring mind and it comes with an insatiable hunger for finding my intrinsic self. Do we just arrive at different junctures of our lives or ongoing moments and tell ourselves that regardless of my thoughts today, though they are different to the ones I had before, I will ignore them and save myself from fracture. I will continue my quest for my own personal truth and I will go forth and evolve with the process of change that led me to who I am today.

Maybe I will stay relatively on the same path or maybe I will break away and incorporate a new facet to my being that is not locked into what I know others expect of me. Sometimes I feel we fall into the danger of not growing for fear that we will lose the person everyone around us has invested in. So many have pondered what could have been at the end of a life and wished that fear had not robbed them of the life that would have indeed brought them closer to who they were meant to be.


Copyright © Robyn Whittaker. 2011.

BEAUTIFUL MISS CONCEPTION 2

What is an opinion, if it is not backed up by logical thought and fact? The white noise of un-secured thought, let loose on witnessing eyes and those in earshot. Everyone is entitled to them or so we've been told, but beware of the fog that surrounds your world. Opinions constantly pouring from the mouths and keyboards of the masses locked in a pen less technological sword fight. So over soaked with information, the truth invariably gets lost in a sea of false interjections, usually lacking in whit. Lately it must seem that mine are a bit on the heavy side and a tad gloomy, but I promise to find a lighter one for my next installment. Forgive me my indulgence in this theme of warning; thankfully in the distance I still see a rainbow.

Our hopes lay with the collective that still hold dear to the best of a past era. The ones that know that to gain the most, we must first give of ourselves. I see so many now that are determined to make front page at any cost and to hell with the consequences and who it hurts in the process. When did we stop teaching our children that what we give out we get back? Cause and affect still rules the world and consequences or not, we will find our way. It is inevitable that we will be forced to see the error of our ways, cherish ourselves, and on all fronts I hope for a kinder and more understanding race. The Titanic sank, and the unsinkable was lost and man was forced to learn from mistakes that were made. And just like that ship, the evolution of mans selfishness will also find the bottom of its ocean. We will in time see that everything has a price and everything finds its centre, and whether we like it or not survival is an instinct the human race cannot escape. D-day is upon us and we wish we still had time to evaluate the misgivings that have been spread across our earth.

I will go to my grave knowing that I tried to improve the position of others and help my fellow man, while in the process I learnt to help myself. I also will go to my grave regretting a few things that I allowed myself to fall prey to, including jealousy, anger and misguided pride. I fear that we may never learn what we need to know right now and though many are trying to warn us, few are listening. What an amazing yet incredibly stupid race we are at times, to have so much beauty at our finger tips yet as much destruction as the legacy left in our wake. If all is lost we are and will always be a beautiful miss conception on our creators’ conscience. Who or what ever created us, must stand in awe of our ability to do the worst thing imaginable to something that I am sure could only ever be seen as a gift. A blue shining gem spinning in space and time, that for a split second in the scheme of things was a hope full bequeath to a human race that at various moments, does not know what it does.

Robyn Whittaker. Copyright (c) 2011

Parental License.

Heterosexuals of either gender no longer exclusively own the license to being parents and we have learnt that you do not have to be in a conventional arrangement to do a good job of bringing up a child. This is not really a new thing and many children have been brought up very successfully in alternative household arrangements by members of our community in the past. It has been argued that they sometimes do a better job of parenting, compared to the dysfunctional structure of certain families within the wider community. The instances of child abuse and mistreatment in this country prove that having heterosexual parents is no guarantee of a good upbringing. Good parenting does not depend upon the sexuality of the mother or father, and does not require both to be present throughout the Child's upbringing. Believe it or not some seemingly good upright members of our society who appear to be straight and have lovely little families have the reality of either parent indulging in varied sexual practices. Sometimes they even indulge in these practices without the knowledge of the other partner. The statistics of married and apparently straight men frequenting parks and public places to indulge in sexual practices with other men would surely spin the heads of the wives they are attached to. I am sure there would be also many husbands that may be surprised by the reality of closeted desires turned into an experience by their wives when the chance arises. Of course we have been led to believe that the husbands of these women would more likely experience arousal than a shock reaction or a sense of betrayal, but I am sure this is not the rule.

We need only use the best qualities of the past era, and none of the moral structures that give society permission to persecute those that they do not understand. The old world moral and value system that saw LGBT communities robbed of their civil rights and bashed to death is not something to look back on with any sentimentality. Mankind’s old outdated identity was false to begin with and not grounded in reality. We are now living in a time of inclusive realism and those still grounded in delusion do not want to agree with this reality. The LGBT community have been here since the beginning of time and it is a travesty that it took so long for people to come to terms with us and accept us as a worthwhile and valid reality. I sometimes get the impression that some of our detractors feel like they have been shamed and forced into being decent to our community by the laws that protect us from discrimination. Without them I wonder what would happen and I am sure some continue with hate filled beliefs, not unlike the undercurrent of racism that also still exists behind closed doors with safe company. We as a race have come to realize that what we have considered normal society for centuries has now lost its grounding and fallen into an abyss of new realities, and are no longer relevant.

When a person can go out and adopt or artificially inseminate themselves, those old world realities are forced to incorporate the new meaning of what it is to be a family. The world has changed and we need to get used to it and accept that there are so many different realities for what it means to be human or a parent in this new world. Acceptance is about forgetting the excuses that lead us to mistreat those that were deemed less than others and invalid. Always choosing to be open to compassion and the understanding that we are not the same, while embracing the fact that difference is what makes us such a beautiful race. And lastly, who on earth can define for me what exactly is a normal person or family in an ever changing world that is constantly re-defining what is considered normal.

Copyright © Robyn Whittaker. 2011.

Magical Skye.

How magical our Skye is,
With suns first early rays.
Colours ever changing,
To give beauty to the days.

A marriage made in heaven,
The earth will sing rejoice.
The elements are her witness,
The bird’s song gives her voice.

The night time gives her diamonds,
And a moon so pearly white.
May she always grace our daytime,
And fill our every night.

Copyright (c) Robyn Whittaker.

Gender and Sexuality.

The topic of gender and sexuality can be an interesting and confusing one for those who find it difficult to understand that your gender has nothing to do with who you sleep with. What always needs to be remembered if you find yourself confused about what sexuality a person might be if they are transgender, is that gender does not dictate sexuality. Transgender people can fall anywhere on the sexuality spectrum just like anyone else. The origin of gender and where we end up has no bearing on who you choose to sleep with before, during or after transition. Just because someone was born male and transitions to female does not automatically mean they will partner with men or visa versa. We are not who we sleep with and who you find sexually attractive is up to you, and that is the same for all human beings regardless of gender. Stereo typing does not apply easily to anyone in this day and age, and in my opinion it is a shame that we can all still fall prey to this type of labeling. The modern world is an open playing field and you are who you are, and you are even free to change that if it no longer fits.

Tran’s people can be gay, straight, or bi, just like anyone else on this planet and it does not devalue the legitimacy of someone’s gender status. Gender and sexual fluidity is a reality we need to come to terms with if we are to ever learn the art of acceptance of our fellow man. As time continues to open our eyes and minds to new ways of accepting reality, I hope we can all be who we feel we are in the moment. Our true intrinsic self, not locked into what others expect us to be or continue to be, a representation of the expression of inner joy.

If a woman or man can be bisexual so can a trans-woman or trans-man, and that is their choice and should not confuse anyone who understands that gender is not sexuality. Just because you choose that sexual expression should in no way create confusion, unless people are aligned to stereotypical ideas of gender roles in relation to sexuality. Sections of the wider community seem to have a real problem getting their heads around the concept that we are no different to everyone else when it comes to sexuality, and this need not be so confusing. I understand that some people will never accept us on any level regardless of sexuality and that's a shame, but that is life. There are people who seem to think that if we change our gender we should conform to the most extreme expression of what it is in their minds to be a woman or a man.

I remember when I started out that everyone had an opinion on how I should go about my transition and what I was to do if I were to actually be accepted as a "woman". How to dress, how to speak, and so on...It’s all nonsense! We are wiser if we just be who we are without trying to conform to how others lead us to think we should be. What others tell us we need to behave like to be female or male is all stereotyping. It is sometimes advice given out of concern and love, but this advice means little when we live in a world with so many variations of gender expression. You only have to look at those born biologically in the gender they stay with, to realize there are all different sorts of women and men out there. Shock horror, some women never dress femininely or speak with a shrill voice and the same goes for men and the varieties there are for them too. I have met so many different types of people of various genders, and thankfully this opened my eyes and I learnt to relax my own rigid ideas about gender. I let go of the fear that if my voice was not high enough or my clothing not feminine enough, I was somehow not making the grade. I have ongoing issues of nervousness in social settings regarding my appearance and femininity, a fear that I hope one day will leave me for good. For the most part I feel allot more relaxed and even consider myself to be quite tom-boyish, even though I know this is yet another label. I almost never wear skirts or dresses and do not try and self monitor my voice or my actions as I once did. I am also starting to open my own mind to the alternative variations in sexuality, even though it is only in mind and may never materialize as an experience. Regardless of who you are it always pays to keep your mind open, for we never really know where our journey may lead.

That is the ongoing mystery we call life.

Copyright (c) Robyn Whittaker. 2011.

BREAKING THE SPELL.

What does it mean to be free in a world that is increasingly becoming a policed existence, of moral judgment chosen for the many by the ruling few? How many of our civil liberties will fall by the wayside in the quest to placate perceived government desire to safeguard us against the terror from out there. We all know deep in our soul’s right from wrong, but the growing majority look to others to be a guide and compass on how to live and what to do. Continually being fed a diet of lies and deceit, prevents most from waking from a dream state wonder lust for a lifestyle that for many will always be out of reach. Every day we rise from our beds and prepare ourselves for the treadmill that is our life, never questioning the state of play that has left many of us in debt and in a constant state of trying to catch up. Unless you have been lucky enough to win big or come from old money, your chances of getting ahead are slim, and that is just the way the powers that be want it to stay.

Yes I do believe in positive values and thoughts and I know all too well that they can indeed get you far, but I am also a realist and it would be remiss of me to act like an ostrich in this world of plenty for only the few. It is becoming apparent to me that things are not quite as they seem and if we are to bring about a change for the better, we must resist the constant Schism energy we are fed. Schism is the negative energy that is generated by those in power to disconnect us from the full magnitude of who we are, by keeping us trapped in a state of fear and terror. Every other day another show about crime and murder hits our TV screens. Doctored media teamed with the constant rolling coverage of bad news we are encouraged to consume on a daily basis, all create Schism. Have you noticed that the ones that have appointed themselves to protect our world are also the ones feeding this negative machine?

Change your treadmill and refuse to be a part of the status quo you have been sold and stop being a slave to the ones who wish to control you. Go to work and live your life while focusing on good thoughts and feelings, and if getting that thing you think will make you happy leaves you trapped in repayment hell, leave it on the shelf. Watch the box selectively and the entertainment it brings, remembering its purpose is to sell you a life you are told you need as well as the food you are encouraged to buy for the families you feed.

You are beautiful beings and more so for being born into this wonderful LGBT community, a community that has taken pride in being different from the rest. Choose a calmer life and beware of the deliberate energy trap called stress and by all means take your power back.

Copyright © Robyn Whittaker. 2011.

POKER FACED JOKER.

Visual feasts on fetish for eyes,
Stung on the lips by your love.

Cold hard stone greets fancy free feet,
And again I see a new day without you.

No big surprise my life still goes on,
A new stage awaits my encore.
Freedom from heartache and soul searched remorse,
I find you're no latch on my door.

Truth of your stature in big scheme of things,
A truly false ledger of fake.
The poker faced joker with cold face remorse,
Leaving in shock and disgrace.

Full tilt the dealer,
What's left in your hand,
Sad lot is dealt as your fate.

Though endless your wager,
For new chance you wish for,
A long time is the lifetime you wait.

Copyright (c) Robyn Whittaker. 2011.

THE POWER.

Here we go round the circle once more,
Singing the song as we go.
Bittersweet berries stain the new skin,
Squished into ground under toes

Renew all the daisies,
With strokes of your pen.
Quills that shape, the mountains you make,
Black ink takes over the red.

Framed gilded artwork,
You move what you mount,
The power is a virtue you have.

Pictures that fly,
From walls as they cry,
And neighbors will see whats within you.

Tell them it's true,
It's from them and not you,
And all will be lost and forgotten.

Stories start small as a mole hill,
Growing while taking their shape,
Finger your finds, while pulling the blinds
And a gypsy is the bull at your gate.

Bring her to places unspoken,
Lost grip has her dancing in rain.
What do you do when it all ends,
The numbers she sees are on you.

Back to reality of life's work,
Back to your drudgery days.
Spell binder spins you a new yarn,
And lost is the magic we made.

Copyright (c) Robyn Whittaker. 2011.

GATHERING MOSS.

Long awaited from her time in the hole,
She arrives crisp and proper,
Clean and ready for the day.

Lillie's and magnum fields,
Sway gently in her wake.
And just once more you see her take a bow.

Gathering moss retreats,
Like front line of defense.
She trains the locks of new found hair,
Follicles bristle with brush,
Consensus is coiffed delight.

And small makes way for the big.

Copyright (c) Robyn Whittaker. 2011.

THE VIRGIN QUEEN.

Not unlike the virgin queen,
Love was lost and future looked barren.
Never again to love another and share the spoils,
Sky fell open and grass no longer green.

So many hearts broken,
No replacement sought.
Carry forth the blood soaked mess,
And tell of a tale of monstrous men.

Above it all convincing yourself of the lack of need,
To allow those that mean to hurt a key.
Paint yourself white and start again,
And find a path that guides you.

So many have passed this way,
And stomped on your damaged goods.
The ones that promised love and respect,
Are the same that came to hate.

No longer in need of your re-assurance,
No longer in need of your love.
I will never give my self so easily,
To the vampires that suck my blood.

Gone are the dreams of loves forgotten,
To a place they all call fate.
Never to return to the palace of wanting,
For this freedom I no longer wait.

I feared a death was fast upon me,
I trembled as I fell to my sleep.
And when I awoke I realised the passing,
Was a person that died with hope.

Mother land I hear you calling,
In a language I already know.
Take me back to my kingdom of knowing,
And forever my life I devote.

Copyright (c) Robyn Whittaker.