DESTINY OVER DOUBT

Lately I have been feeling very alone and overwhelmed with a feeling of loss. I hope against hope that it is just to do with the death of my old self in readiness for the new, but something in me is not so sure. Recently I have lain awake in bed terrified to fall to sleep, imagining that I may not awake. I thought I was not scared of death, but I am and anyone who says they are not scared of it is indeed putting up a brave front. What a horrible ability it would be to be fully aware of when we will pass on. My greatest fear in regard to this is caught up with a fear of failure and not getting to where I feel I was meant to be and the achievements that are proof of my arrival at this point. I know I will die one day and I am grateful for not knowing the exact time and date of this inevitability. All I ask of the universe is that I am given a little bit more time to do what I know I am meant to do, promising to do it with haste. I realize that I have squandered allot of the time I have been given and have for many years blamed it upon my transgender journey as a way of explaining why I had no energy to fulfill the destiny open to me with the gifts I have been given. I love singing and it is my one true passion, but I am also scared of it and have failed to develop this skill to its full potential. I allowed myself to be lazy and a victim and say that it was ok to neglect it because the voice I have would not be accepted when it is attached to what appears to be female.

I am nearly 40 years old and I am over giving myself excuses and I am over allowing others the right to dictate my actions, even if it is my own perceptions of what I think they expect of me. I am going down in a blaze of glory and honesty and those that do not like it will have to get over it and move on. I do not have any time to waste on those who would never accept me anyway and only a fool would enter into any venture expecting total acceptance from everyone. There is always going to be someone who does not agree and what a boring world it would be if we did not question things and all agreed. I am going to come out on top and I am going to find my centre and when I do, the whole world is going to know who I am. So many have told me I am special, but it meant nothing until I believed it too.

I know my capabilities and I have dared to realize the extent of my worth, but insecurity can be a bug that eats through the best of a harvest. I will prevail and punch through the boxing ring of insecurity, surfacing to reclaim my destiny over doubt.

Copyright © Robyn Whittaker. 2011.