For the first time in my whole life, I can actually say with all honesty I am starting to understand what happiness is in all it's glory and am learning daily the skills and the art of keeping it.. I have suffered over the years with many bouts of depression and a feeling of unhappy hopelessness and am only recently re-emerged from my last sojourn into that land of barren dry and desolate despair, constantly covered with dark clouds that tease with promise of release but void of replenishing rains. Part of the secret to finding, keeping and building your inner happy, is giving it freely to others, because what you give out comes back to you in time. Every seed of this type with the water of your hope filled tears will grow, maybe not as quick as you want to see these results, but grow it will. And in time from those desolate plains of barren earth you will produce a tree filled with the fruits of your love, and those that deserve your fruit will sit with you and enjoy the food of your joy. Before you know it, those around you will see your tree and want to plant one too and so on and so on until the desert that once surrounded you will transform into an orchard for the family and friends you love.
Don't get me wrong, part of this process is learning who to keep and who to leave well alone...to go off and find their own path with or without you, you can only try and be there for people, if they ain't right and grate on your happy nerve, send them packing to work it out for themselves and find their own plot of land and learn to till it's soil.
Too many times I was on auto pilot being miss Florence Nightingale helping anyone and everyone all the while forgetting that to really be effective in helping and supporting others, you first need to help yourself and love your self unconditionally and be your own best friend....It has taken me a long time to put all of those pieces together and hey I am not perfect, we never stop learning and of course like all us human beings...I make mistakes. The only way to rise above those less than wise choices either from the past or new ones on the way, that will I never regret because they all brought me to who I am today.....Is to just pick yourself up, brush yourself off and try to do better next time.
Everyday is a new day and an opportunity to create a better you and a better world. We all have a choice, go with change freely and embrace it or stay stuck in old thoughts, ways and regrets. I choose now to leave the past where it is and make an effort to live in the moment. Nothing will change the past, but we can change the future. Worrying is worthless and finally I am learning to let go of this useless thought process...worrying about things will not change them, it will only make the situation worse, distort your aura and create illness. I used to be so locked up with worry, I grew up with a father who was a worrier, and would worry sometimes if he did not have something to worry about....I say that with the up most of respect for him please be assured, he was one of my teachers/best friend and I adore him and so miss him now that he has passed on. Before he died he said to me almost in a desperate voice while holding my hand...Don't Worry! He died in 2006 and I have experienced post traumatic stress owing to the terror of watching cancer take away my friend, as his main carer it shook me to the core and took a toll on my mind and filled it with sorrow and fear. Part of the problem was also the old issues I had thought were dealt with regarding my childhood and my dad and his illness and the stress surrounding it brought up so many things that I was incapable of dealing with at that time, especially considering I had thought I already had. I am getting therapy for this currently and feel that the trauma from this and my childhood is starting to unlock from my soul...But you know what? The best part is ...I finally get it and what he was trying so desperately to warn me about in his desperate desire to help his child avoid what he realised at the end, contributes to dis-ease, thank you so much dad for this...Only in the last few recent weeks I can hear is voice echo those words of desperate warning, and now after all this time, I have finally heard those words fully and understand exactly what they mean and released the need to worry.
I reject worries out of my mind when they try to re-invade my thoughts, and let things and time take care of themselves, because worrying does nothing to change whatever it is of concern.... Just do what you have to, to change or improve what is causing you to begin to stress or at least make small steps toward that end goal...Everything happens in the perfect time and if you trust in the process of time and that it is happening exactly how it is meant to....you no longer feel the need to worry.
Every day now I thank my father and the many other teachers in my life. There are too many to name here, Louise Hay was one that helped me turn on my light and I will be forever gratefull to her for this, but a very special and precious teacher in particular is my beautiful mother. The pearls of wisdom that pour from her mind and then her mouth could fill an ocean with wisdom. Mum you are so very special and you know how lost I would be if it were not for you, you are my guiding light and a compass that helps me find my way, finally I am putting your advice into practice and though I still wander from the path you recommend, know that I am doing my best to follow your lead.
My siblings have taught me so much as well, as have the beautiful offspring they have given our family and world. Marilyn you are a natural teacher and it has always struck me as something quite magical and interesting that the first and the last child from our family are both dedicated to the love of seeking and imparting wisdom. My version of it is without a degree and as we both know I have shown also a talent for being easily distracted, whilst you were a master of working towards the goal that brought you to your graduation and in my minds eye I still remember the day, albiet I was very young! lol. I have always been in awe of how you seem to effortlessly understand those steps needed to complete your school work and focus until the assignment and task reaches fruition. We had different styles of intelegence and possibly A.D.D or maybe my lack of attention span and the land of gender change, led me to the school of the world, but in the end we are both in love with teaching.
Renee, I hope you know how special you are to me, and how grateful I am to you for giving me the opportunity to love and care for you as I always was wanted to but my life and life in general got in our way. You have taught me many things as well and I cherish the connection we now have. You were the one I grew up with and spent the most time with as a child. I adore you and am so sorry for any lost time we have experienced for one reason or another. You are a strong incredible woman with five beautiful children, and now they have children as well. Never forget what a truely amazing effort you have put into raising these gorgeous human beings, and especially the fact that you succeeded doing this through adversity. I miss you and us as kids, just playing and yes sometimes fighting lol, but through it all we survived and thankfully we are now closer than ever. Cut out dolls, mums pattern tin, tea parties with Terrina, or just dreaming our own dreams while watching a glamoures movie, pretending we were that beautiful actress in an old movie on the sunday TV matinee. So many special memories and I will treasure them always and even though you are my big sister..(well only by 3 years. lol) I will love you and look after you until the end. I know things get muddled up sometimes but I know that we are going to be ok from now on and feel a sense that we have helped our loved ones find peace. Thankyou for your open hearted love.
I thank dad everyday for the gift of those last words he spoke to me and I now feel a freedom I have never experienced before. Live your life, show gratitude for it and everything that is in it and strive to be happy...And most of all Don't worry, whatever happens happens, try to guide your life positively when and where ever you can, but remember, worrying will only make things worse and drain and take away from your joy.
Copyright (c) Robyn Whittaker. 2011.
