TRANSITIONS

Life is all about transitions and the ongoing path that leads us to who we become, while leaving behind who we were. No one escapes this ongoing transition and though we for the most part feel like the same person, we are different from the one we were a second ago and so it continues. I have made many changes not unlike all of us do on a moment to moment basis. Unlike most of the populace, I was born into a life that was destined for moments in time that were heavily grounded in major change. It is difficult for all of us to accept change and go through the inevitable growing pains of continual renewal in the process of our human existence, but we go through it whether we like it or not. Some believe it was a choice I made to make the major changes I have to my gender, but as time rolls on I realize that survival was an instinct that inevitable forced my hand. I am who I am and I am the end result of decisions that lead me to the identification of Transgender. Does this fit me? Well of course it does because this is who I am and I will always be the end result of the ongoing realization of this reality. Who really knows who or what they are and where exactly does a label fit on someone who is nothing in particular but everything in general. I have been described as Gender Queer by someone who heard my story and surmised that to not own a gender island is proof that gender fluidity may be the ship that I sail. I am not a woman and I am not a man, I chose femininity over masculinity and I will never regret this choice. But free of regrets is not what I am and I must admit this to myself and sail on until I find a shore that brings me the emotional and mental shelter I yearn for.

I have experienced so many amazing moments in my journey punctuated sometimes more than I would have liked with moments of sheer hopelessness and doubt. How can I doubt the decision I made that helped me survive. Even though it was a survival tactic, I would be living in denial if I did not own the sadness of what I sometimes feel I have lost. The person I was always deserves to be remembered and my inner child is indeed a boy not a girl.

I know there are those that deny the existence of this part of their history but I never felt the urge to bury the boy I once was. He was a valid and beautiful person and worthy of recognition just like any one else who has graced this planet. I am working through my issues with this loss and at times I feel almost haunted by the person I once was. When do we stop trying to prove that we are legitimately who we are as a defense mechanism against those that are looking for any reason to accuse us of instability, and just celebrate that we are a combination of both. I think it is healthier to accept the past for what it is and rejoice in the fact that yes I was once male. Every transgender person is different from the other, so this is my story and I only speak for myself. I just hope that maybe someone who might have similar feelings will relate and grant themselves the right to be comfortable with a past that is ok to admit to. I don't think I have ever come to terms with this memory and though I have never denied who I was, I allowed myself to feel embarrassment. Who I was when I was called Byron will forever be my history and to deny this is not only self destructive but it is not unlike burying someone close to you and not even bothering to mark the grave with a headstone. The reality is that the person I was has never died; he is with me still and lives on through me like a partner unto myself. I am starting to realize that I would do much better if I learnt to come to terms with this loss while placating an inner child feeling neglect and in the process turn it into a gain. This is my realization and I only advocate that you do what is best for you. I have seen so many transpeople in the past that denied who they were in favour of starting a fresh and wiping out the past.

As a transperson I am from the old school of thought and thankfully I can see that this ideal of wiping out the past is being replaced with a new breed who are loudly proclaiming who they were. There is nothing wrong with whatever you choose to do and what is right for you is best. If along your journey you choose to embrace all aspects of your history, more power to you and remember it is sometimes fear of others reactions that stop us from taking this step. It also is a choice born from the belief that this is who we have always been and that is also a very valid position to take. We are all different and it would be wrong to try and recommend any particular path for someone that is part of a collective that encompass such a vast array of different gender realities.

For me I realize I am going through a massive flux of change once again and the evolution of my being is open to questioning and going with the flow of the moment. There is nothing worse in my opinion than becoming stagnant and telling myself that this is all I am, and my penchant for analyzing is both a curse and a virtue. I sometimes wish I could just accept an unhappy position and just march forward without questioning the doubts, but I can't. I have an enquiring mind and it comes with an insatiable hunger for finding my intrinsic self. Do we just arrive at different junctures of our lives or ongoing moments and tell ourselves that regardless of my thoughts today, though they are different to the ones I had before, I will ignore them and save myself from fracture. I will continue my quest for my own personal truth and I will go forth and evolve with the process of change that led me to who I am today.

Maybe I will stay relatively on the same path or maybe I will break away and incorporate a new facet to my being that is not locked into what I know others expect of me. Sometimes I feel we fall into the danger of not growing for fear that we will lose the person everyone around us has invested in. So many have pondered what could have been at the end of a life and wished that fear had not robbed them of the life that would have indeed brought them closer to who they were meant to be.


Copyright © Robyn Whittaker. 2011.

THE PUZZLE OF LIFE

LIFE IN TIMES OF HARDSHIP CAN SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE A SHATTERED PUZZLE, WITH THE PIECES OF YOUR SELF SCATTERED ALL OVER LIFE'S FLOOR. WHEN TIME COMES TO PICK UP AND RE ASSEMBLE, THE LIFE PICTURE IS NO LONGER WHAT YOU SAW BEFORE.

THE PUZZLE, THE PICTURE AND PIECES THAT WE ARE MADE UP OF, LOOK ONE WAY BEFORE NEGATIVE AND POSITIVE EVENTS HAPPEN AND ANOTHER WAY SOON AFTER.
THE YEARS PASS AND CONFRONTING LESSONS GOOD AND BAD, CHANGE US IN A WAY THAT IS SOMETIMES ONLY EVIDENT WHEN WE PLACE MOST OF THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER, AND WE WITNESS A VERY DIFFERENT SCENE.
LIFE AND ITS EVENTS EITHER BREAK US APART, OR BRING US TOGETHER TO FIND A NEW RESOLVE AND WE EXPERIENCE AND VIEW A DIFFERENT SCENE. WHETHER IT IS PLEASANT AND POSITIVE OR NUMBING AND NEGATIVE IS THE CHOICE THAT IS OURS TO MAKE.
YOU START WITH THE EIFFEL TOWER AND WHEN MOST OF THE PIECES ARE COMING TOGETHER YOU REALIZE IT'S NOW THE LONDON BRIDGE.
BOTH STRONG, YET ENCOMPASSING TWO DIFFERENT IDEALS.
ONE A SYMBOL OF STRENGTH AND BEAUTY, THE OTHER A STRONG MEANS OF GETTING OVER AND ACROSS DEEP WATERS. WATERS THAT RUN DEEP LIKE BLOOD RUNNING IN VAIN.
A BRIDGE THAT IN TIME YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART YOU WILL HAVE TO CROSS, IN ORDER TO REACH A LAND THAT YOUR SOUL WILLS THE FLESH TO TRAVERSE. LIFE'S JOURNEY AND THE COMPLEXITIES WE ARE FORCED TO ACCEPT, LOSS AND ALL THE CHANGES WE EXPERIENCE WITH THE PASSING OF TIME.
A COMING OF AGE FORCED UPON US FOR DARING TO CONTINUE WITH THE BELIEF THAT OUR LIFE AGAINST ALL THE ODDS SHOULD END UP THE ONE THAT IS MEASURED, PREDICTABLE AND SAFE. DRAWN TO UNDERSTANDING THE FUTILITY OF FIGHTING LIFE'S REALITIES WITH WHAT WE WOULD PREFER, TEACHES US THAT AT TIMES WE APPEAR TO BE LIKE ACTORS THAT AT BEST CAN GUIDE THE SCRIPT WITH POSITIVITY AND ULTIMATELY CHANGE OUR FATE. WE ARE, I BELIEVE, SENT AND DRAW TO OURSELVES THE EXPERIENCES WE NEED TO LEARN TO BE THE BEST WE CAN BE. YOU ARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE AND WHAT YOU GIVE OUT YOU RECEIVE.
SOME EXPERIENCES ARE A GIVEN, DEATH, AND LOSING THE ONES WE LOVE. WITH EVERY PASSING BREATH WE ARE IN THE FLUX OF CHANGE, AND FROM SECOND TO SECOND THE PERSON WE WERE PASSES AWAY. FOCUS ON THE GOOD IN YOURSELF AND OTHERS AND YOU WILL GET THROUGH, WHATEVER IS IN STORE FOR YOU.
EVEN THOUGH BACK THEN IN THE PAST IS SOMETIMES LONGED FOR WITH NOSTALGIA, OR DREADED WITH REMORSE AND HEARTACHE, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE WE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. THIS IS MY VIEW, YOURS MAY NOT BE THE SAME. ONE THING THAT I AM SURE OF, THE PUZZLE OF LIFE COMES WITH A GUARANTEE OF CHANGE.

(c) Robyn Whittaker

A Memorial for Morty

Today is the day they bring my Morty's ashes back to me and I have something of him back again. He has been cremated and placed in a beautiful wooden box with brass edges and plaque. Exactly seven days since he passed away, today is his memorial. My Ba Ba, Monkey, and mummy's own little boy Pinocchio. Thank you for 7.1/2 wonderful years. You were "Sent from above through heavenly beams" and I will deeply miss u forever.xxx

This is a very sad day for me, exactly seven days ago on the 30/06/09 my beautiful Mortimer passed away in my arms and left this mortal shore. He had been very unwell since May with a suspected brain tumour and though he had excellent veterinary care, we were unable to save him. I have not been posting much of late and have been processing what has proven to be one of the worst years of my life. Life has a way of taking us all on a journey that teaches us that the best way to handle each situation that it brings is just to learn from the lessons, try and stay positive while holding on tight to the roller coaster ride that is life. My grief at losing my beautiful child like entity called Mortimer, the one who was sent to me through heavenly beams, has taken a great toll on me and I will be forever changed with his loss. No one could ever understand the amazing bond I had with this unique animal entity. He was an incredible animal and many times I would forget that he was a cat and if any comparison could be found it would be the story of Pinocchio. I am unable to have my own children and for a 7 and 1/2 years of moments in time I was given my own little boy who loved me and tried to become the boy I could never have. I have had issues with loneliness on this journey through my life and it is one of the lessons I feel I must face and deal with. The universe gave me the most purest of companionship's with Morty and now for whatever reason he has gone and I must come to terms with my loss. I remember many good times with Morty and recall with fondness how we found a way to create our own language. He would use different tones to convey his different emotions and I understood his language completely. I remember him looking across the room at me almost like he was in deep thought with a love in his eyes that I have never felt from another living soul. We would play with the many toys I gave him and his favourite ones were his ball that he had since he was a kitten that he would roll back and forth to me across the room, it was amazing to witness. I have video footage of him that a friend took that I will post on here at a later date of him tapping a yo yo ball on a string back and forth, what a funny little monkey he was. I bought him this monkey toy from the Ekka last year, with floppy arms and he would start a boxing match with it when I pretended to bring it to life for him to have a fight. So many memories..... another is the six times he flew with me whenever I travelled on the airline between here and Townsville, without a care at all he took it in his stride without sedatives. When I moved here from Townsville he sat in the car with Mum and I on a Thermos flask that had been placed between the two fronts seats with a towel on it just quietly sitting there watching me drive us to our future and our destiny. This unit is not my haven at present and the realisation that at least 50% of it's atmosphere was the warmth that Morty created with his beautiful presence is hard to ignore or deal with. He was not just a cat he was the equivalent of a son, the child I never had and everything about him was a gift sent to me to help and guide my way. What will I do without him? All I know is I will try and hold on to the beautiful memories and make peace with the others. I will attempt to mend my broken heart and continue on my path without him by my side while watching for shadows that tell me he is near until we meet again on the day my time has run out. Thank you Morty for the many years of joy you brought to my life and for being the most sincere of companions, you were a truly unique and incredible entity and I was fortunate to have you near. I love you Morty. xxx

MIRROR OF LIFE

IN OUR LIVES WE ENCOUNTER MANY THINGS.

ONE OF THEM IS HOPE, HOPE IN A FUTURE FILLED WITH MANY EXPERIENCES AND PEOPLE, PLACES AND OBJECTS THAT WILL MOVE US TO GREATER LEVELS OF UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT LIES BENEATH AND COVERS THE SKY. WHAT DRIVES US TO GO ON FORWARDS INTO THE UNKNOWN WE CALL THE FUTURE.

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US IS BLESSED WITH THE FORTUNE OF EXPERIENCE, AND GOOD OR BAD WE FACE MANY OBSTICLES. MIRRORS THAT WE MUST LOOK INTO AND FACE, OUR GREATEST FEAR… OURSELVES.

CELEBRATED AND TORN APART BY THE VERY LIKES OF OURSELVES, THE BEAUTY LIES IN KNOWING WHERE AND WHO YOU ARE, DECIFERING CLUES FOREVER BESTOWED UPON US. FINNALY REALIZING THAT UNTIL WE EMBRACE AND CHERRISH OURSELVES AND FACE AND SURRENDER TO THE LESSONS THAT THE ONES WE DRAW TO OURSELVES BRING, WE SHALL NOT BE RELEASED FROM THE REOCCURING DREAM OR NIGHTMARE THAT IS LIFE.

Copyright © Robyn Whittaker 11.6.06.