Dearest Gertrude

TO MY DEAREST GETRUDE AGNES, HOW'S THE BIG SMOKE KEEPING YOU? SORRY I HAVE TAKEN SO LONG TO WRITE BUT I HAVE ONLY JUST RECOVERED THE USE OF MY WRITING HAND. IT'S A TERRIBLY LONG STORY AND IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS:..........
LAST MONTH OR WAS IT THE MONTH BEFORE , I'M NOT SURE NOW AS ONE WEEK HAS BLENDED SMOOTHLY INTO THE NEXT OWING TO THE SOMEWHAT HALLOUCINAGENIC TABLETS I ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED. I MISS GUIDED MYSELF WITH THE WRONG MEDICATION ,FOOLISHLY LEAVING MY GLASSES ON THE FLOOR AFTER COMPLETING ONE OF MY MORE TIME COSUMING YET THUROUGHLY STIMULATING CROSSWORD PUZZLES IN THE TOWNSVILLE DAILY BULLEITN. YOU KNOW THE ONES THAT ALMOST REFURBISH THE OUTER REGIONS OF THE BRAIN WITH WORDS YOU WOULD USUALLY HAVE NO HOPE OF EVER LEARNING, MIXING WITH THE LIKES OF THOSE LESS EDUCATED SISTERS DOWN AT THE COUNTRY WOMENS ACCOCIATION, OR THE GARBUT BOWLS CLUB FOR THAT MATTER.
ANYHOO THE POINT IS, I SLIPPED ON MY BY FOCULS AS I STOOD UP TO CHECK ON MY STICKY DATE PUDDING. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW THAT TURNED OUT FOR AS YOU KNOW I'M ALMOST BLIND WITHOUT MY GOGGLES.
IT'S RAINING A TREAT AS I WRITE THIS TO YOU AND I AM A LITTLE APPREHINSIVE ABOUT STARCHING MY KNICKERS AS THEY MAY NOT TAKE. (BUT BACK TO THE STORY). WHAT HAPPENED NEXT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS THE FINGER THAT TOPPLED THE ORIGINAL DOMINO INTO A PIT OF EVENTS THAT SLID ONE INTO THE OTHER. AS I SLIPPED I FELL STRAIGHT BACK ONTO THE BYFOCULS AND YOU'VE GOT ONE GUESS WHERE THEY ENDED UP, TERRIBLE PAIN THAT CAUSES ONE TO FEEL IN THAT AREA OF A WOMENS ANATOMY....I'M HERE TO TELL YOU.
LUCKILY FOR ME, DAPHNE WAS WAS OVER VISITING AND SHE RUSHED ME STAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL WHERE I WAS HEAVILY SEDATED OWING TO MY HYTERICAL STATE, AND THE OFFENDING OBJECT WAS THUS REMOVED. NO SOONER HAD I AWOKEN TO FIND MYSELF LYING ON MY BACK WITH A RATHER SEEDY LOOKING DOCTOR WITH UNSCRUPULOUS EYES TELLING ME THAT THE PROCEEDURE WAS SUCCESSFULL. I WAS GIVEN SOOTHING GEL AND MEDICATION TO AID IN THE SOFTENING OF MY STOOLS AND ALLROUND SEDATION.
NEXT THING I KNOW DAPHNE WAS WHEELING ME OUT TO THE CAR IN THAT WHEEL CHAIR THAT THEY INSIST EVERYONE USE TO EXIT THIER LESS THAN HOSPITABLE HOSPITAL. ALTHOUGH I'M VERY FORTUNATE THEY PROVIDE SUCH CONTRAPTIONS ON LEAVING OR I WOULD HAVE BEEN A PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS..IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.
WELL I ARRIVED HOME IN A VERY GROGGY STATE MADE WORSE OWING TO MY LACK OF SIGHT. DAPHNE SAID SHE WOULD TAKE WHAT WAS LEFT OF MY GLASSES AND SEE IF SHE COULD FIND AN OPTOMERTRIST THAT COULD SALVAGE THE BITS THAT COULD BE SAVED AND REPLACE THE PARTS OF MY GLASSES THAT COULDN'T. ANYWAY SHE LEFT AS SOON AS SHE HAD TUCKED ME IN TO MY DOUBLE SEALY POSTRAPEDIC AND LEFT ME PROMISING TO BE BACK AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
WELL AS THE STORY GOES SHE GOT LOST IN TRAFFIC AND ONE HOUR LED INTO THE NEXT CAUSING ME TO FEEL A LITTLE ANXIOUS AND MAYBE A TOUCH PARANOID AS TO THE STATE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP. THE AFTERNOON WORE ON AND TO MY DISMAY I STARTED FEELING NAUTIOUS AND THE PAIN THE DRUGS WERE PROTECTING ME FROM, STARTED TO WARE OFF. I STRUGGLED TO MY FEET AND PROCEEDED TO THE BATHROOM CABINET WHERE I PRESUMED DAPHNE HAD PLACED THE PILLS.. BUT ALAS IN MY BLIND HAIZY STUPER ,WHAT I THOUGHT WAS THE BOTTLE CONTAINING MY MUCH SOUGHT AFTER MEDICATION, ACTUALLY WAS A BOTTLE CONTAINING NONE OTHER THAN THE HALLUCINERGENIC DRUGS MY HUSBAND GEORGE WAS FORCED TO TAKE DURING THE WORLD GONE RED MAD 50'S AND 60'S. THESE DRUGS WERE PRESCRIBED ON THE SLY, BY SOME SICO SYCO WACKO NUTCASE WORKING FOR THE GOVERNMENT IN THE GUISE OF A FRIENDLY LOCAL DOCTOR COME PSYCYOTRIST.
THE FBI WERE CONDUCTING TRIAL STUDIES ON UNSUSPECTING VULNERABLES TO GAIN KNOWLEDGE ABOUT MIND ALTERING BRAINWASHING TACTICS TO BE USED ON THE RED ARMY.
I'VE STUPIDLY KEPT THE BOTTLE AS A REMINDER OF THE EVIL FORCES WE CALL MP'S. I'M SURE THEY'RE ALL ALIENS ANYHOW, AND AFTER ACCIDENTALLY MEDICATING MYSELF WITH THE PILLS I'M NOW BLOODY SURE OF IT. THE ROOM STARTED TO SPIN AND THE CURTAINS SANG SOME SONG OF THIER HATRED AT BEING CONSTANTLY STARCHED,.. THE CARPET GREW LIKE GRASS AND UNFORTUNATELY FOR MY LUNGS I SMOKED IT (THE WHOLE LOT).. COLOURS TOOK ON EVIL BRIGHT HUES AND I CARRIED OUT WHAT SEEMED TO ME AT THE TIME TO BE A VERY STRANGELY REWARDING CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF.
THE PAIN OF MY NETHER REGIONS SEEMED TO SLIP MY MIND AS DID EVERYTHING ELSE AND I WAS THRUST INTO THE CLUTCHES OF THES MOST INSIDEOUS EVIL DISPOSITION. I HAD NO CONTROLL OF MY SELF OR MY BOWELS FOR THAT MATTER, GOD ONLY KNOW'S THE BUZZ THAT MUST SURELY BE GOING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD ABOUT THAT FATEFULL DAY. I'M SURE TO HEAR IT BACK ANYDAY NOW, NO DOUBT IT WILL HAVE BEEN SPREAD BY THAT WASP TONGUED DORIS COLLINS NEXT DOOR.
BEFORE I KNEW IT I WAS PARTYING TO A MAX BYGRAVES RECORDED LONG PLAY ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE COMPLETELY NUDE. WELL TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT, I FELL OFF THE TABLE AND BROKE MY WRIST, OWING TO THE REASON WHY MY LETTER IS SO LATE. I HAVE ALMOST FULLY RECOVERED AND HAVE TAKEN TO STIFF BRANDY NIGHTCAPS TO GET ME OFF TO SLEEP TO WARD OFF FLASHBACKS, AS ADVISED BY VERA MY PSYCIC NATURAPATH.
LASTLY I HAVE VOWED NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER TO TOUCH A STICKY DATE EVER AGAIN!!!
(c) Robyn Whittaker. 2007. ( Millie is an old lady character i created for stage, radio and stand up.)