SAILING ON A LEAKING BOAT!

There is an activity in my life that i find most enjoyable and rewarding , and that is driving around with a friend, a list of addresses, a referdex and hope in my heart, going from place to place sifting through other peoples junk looking for treasures. I jokingly announce prior to these sojourns into the land of curiosity to friends or those in ear shot that i am going sailing on the upcoming weekend. Most on hearing this news imagine me glamorously boarding some fabulous vessel and launching my self into a fun filled weekend of island hoping and all things nautical. A few exclaim oh that sounds wonderful and so on....... after a few seconds i reply heartily..."yes garage sailing!" to which i receive a few giggles and occasionally the odd dry stare of disbelief. I have loved this sport ever since i was able to drive and even when i couldn't drive myself my father would cart me from place to place in search of the next treasure high. I would cherish my finds and when i was overstocked with these goodies sometimes i could be found at the local Flea market in Townsville off loading the unnecessary crap onto others for a much higher price. These weekends are firmly placed in the mind annuals of pleasurable past experiences that i hope to never forget.

This weekends adventure to the land of other peoples junk will not be filed in this area of my mind and will instead make it's way to that region of your brain that you desperately hope will somehow be excreted out of any available orifice willing to open and purge on demand. My very good friend Travis and i a few days ago decided that it would be a great idea to once again travel around in search of the Garage Sale Nirvana that promises all those who dare to dream that they for broken moments in time have the right to peruse and fondle unwanted things belonging to others. Travis and i often have a giggle about these excursions and the weird and wonderful people, places and things we encounter. One weekend we drove up to this house near ascot, piled out of the car and walked up to what seemed to be a fairly normal abode. On entering their garage i noticed the usual nick nackery and moved about trying to look interested. The man running this affair seemed normal enough, albeit a little gushy and over friendly about his collection of unwanteds. The only thing that took my eye was an umbrella and his very attractive son (young but legal). While bargaining this man down to $3 on the brolly i noticed Travis whispering something to me and sort of directing his eyes to just behind me. I got the hint and slowly turned around to find a disgustingly filthy fish tank filled with at least 60 rats and an odour to match that to this day i am amazed i did not pick up on . Maybe i was so lost in my parasol purchase that for a split second my senses took leave. Needless to say Travis and i were not waiting for the snake that may have gone with these vile smelly creatures and after noticing a creepier edge to the father i paid for the weather protector and left quick smart and we have chuckled about it ever since. I have really gotten of the track here so lets keep going shall we. What happened today made that excursion look positively boring and very average. I have been staying up late recently chatting to a friend who is currently in hospital and to my shock i woke up late to a phone call from Travis wondering if i was still interested in our planned adventure. I told him that i was on to it and would be washed, coffee'd and in the car toot sweet. I should have known that something was up as on leaving my unit i kicked the carved oak and natural rough shot cotton reading chair near my front door and screamed in pain, this stopped me in my tracks and was an omen for the forth coming acid trip to a twilight zoned parallel universe that did not contain most of the Garage sales advertised. We drove to the first sale with a smile in our hearts and much excitement, not only was there no sign but there was also no sale and even though we were getting close to 10am i felt they should have still been opened for business. To cut a very long story short it just went from bad to worse and every one on the list except for 2 out of about eleven were either shut or did not seem to have ever existed. We even drove around in circles at one point deliriously looking at the map and each other amazed that we had got it so wrong. I really take exception to people who go to the trouble of advertising their sale, but then fail to put a number on the street address. I feel they deliberately do this so they can lock it up when they get board or sell the 5 things they decide they no longer need. They have absolutely no regard for the poor souls who try in vain to patronise the liquidation they in an ad promise will be great and worthy of the petrol and energy to get there. We laughed about it but deep down i know we both were sort of creeped out about the weird twilight zone we had entered and it was obvious that planning such an outing would not be taking place again for quite some time. Finally we went all the way out to a deceased estate in Holland park advertising a collectors heaven until 2pm that guess what..... was closed! On the way to this fool paradise we were nearly wiped out by a semi-trailer with a speed induced trucky behind the wheel and had a big piece of cardboard fly off some guys ute that came hurtling towards us, ( starting to get a little worried at this point.) The only Garage sale that yielded anything for me was in clayfield at the residence of a rather forward man who had already started packing up by 11am ugh!!! This charming chap inadvertently insulted me while i was looking through his pile of forgettable records by telling me when i picked up the credence clear water album that indeed i would know who they are! Well i have heard of them but not because they were playing when i was a child darling. ( well if they were i would have been practically a feotus!) I glared at him with a half smile and paid for a rather ridiculous 60,s album by Burl Ives, for no other reason than because Trixie had once jokingly mentioned on stage in 1996 at Subway nightclub that she looked like him in drag. He even tried to sting me $2 for this vinyl travesty. I offered him $1 and the rest is history.

(People if your going to have a garage sale at least stick to the times you have specified and if you are down to 5 items by 10am then you should not have bothered at all!!! oh and one other thing at least put a house number in your ad, this selfish new post modern trend of omitting this info so you can disappear from the map when your over it is very unattractive to your buyers!)

P.s. Hoping to wake up back in my own universe tomorrow!!! xxx Banksy